In November 2015, I was diagnosed with severe depression. It was one month after I graduated with my doctorate. Not one, but two therapists diagnosed me. I went to therapy for one month. Then, I went to Thailand. In a matter of three months I changed my life for the positive. You can learn more about my journey with my Switch, Pivot, or Quit interview. Fast forward, I have a successful business, happiness, self-love on amazing levels of self-love, and I am severely depressed again.
Now in 2019, it’s called Major Depressive Disorder. This time, although I love me to the fullest. My heart problems have broken me. I have been sick for 16 months. That is 16 months of tests, doctors, appointments, pain, so many pills, and limited mobility without a primary diagnosis. I go in depth with my heart journey in a previous post and on the Made Visible Podcast. I am still learning how to live with my new body, the scars. Still waiting on tests. It is yet to be determined if it is forever or temporary.
With being sick there are times full of profound sadness. Profound sadness is the coldest hug. It wraps around my heart and I literally feel it sink to depths so low I can no longer care about anything or anyone. Profound sadness reassures me of all my fears. It celebrates the reason I’m unhealthy, alone and unlucky. It is the proud confidant to my sorrow. My body is not strong and healthy like the first time I beat depression; it feels different.
It is hard to not know. Know to continue hope that I will be “normal” again or that my life has changed forever. It is even harder to do it alone. I have friends and family in my life, but the everyday I do alone. Something easy to you like cleaning the bathroom is like running a half marathon for me. I have to train up for the big day. Constantly, I pick and choose, dinner or going to bed, shower or going to the meeting. I have to preserve my energy. I have to ask for help. I lose my independence.
My company brings me so much joy! It energizes me. Inspires me. Motivates me to fight for a diagnosis. But it also takes my energy. I must protect my time and energy. 2019 will be the year of legit work life balance…hopefully healing. I am back in therapy (just started yesterday) with a woman of color (mental health professionals should be celebrated, especially WOC). If you know anything about me, I do talk about mental health in the workplace and how it is of utmost importance for people of color, women, and women of color. Sharing my story to some may be sad, a shock, inspiring, but I’m being real. Speaking my truth.
I am still fearless, strong, but I am tired. Here’s to finding myself again in 2019.