It's Time to Say Goodbye to DEI

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

The days of racial reckoning have come to an end. Moments of solidarity and proud displays of allyship for Black people and workplace diversity are null and void. Across the country people are seeing attacks on oppressed people. From the end of affirmative action, Roe v. Wade, voting rights, and states that have outlawed diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) initiatives.

The Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) announced they no longer require diversity statements for faculty applications because, simply put, they believe they do not work. As a leading DEI expert MIT is right. When institutions and organizations are built in America, they have a higher probability of upholding values of white supremacy (you know, like how America was built). Infiltrating DEI statements and initiatives does nothing but affirm the superiority of white people.

With the murder of George Floyd, May 25, 2020, we saw an influx in DEI programs. Everyone everywhere wanted to not be racist. The image of seeing a Black man call for his mother while he succumbed to an avoidable death was too much for white people to bear. The Summer of Allyship, as I call it, was a true display of white people wanting to do the work. It started with a black square on social media to Juneteenth holidays, collaborations with Black creatives, and hiring DEI experts to create the coveted DEI statement.

Here we are, four years after Floyd’s horrific death and we have seen attacks on DEI initiatives even banned in some states. Tech companies have laid off parts or their entire DEI teams. The resources that once were abundant to Black people, the LGBTQ+, disabled and BIPOC communities are memories of the past. MIT, who once required all faculty applicants to demonstrate their knowledge of DEI and provide a track record of working with diverse groups including how they would advance DEI in their role for the university are gone. MIT is the first elite university to step away from DEI.

There is this idea that having DEI language will result in the behavior, attitudes, thoughts, and beliefs that can lead to actions for incremental change within any culture, paramount to DEI. The truth of the matter is unless oppressed people developed the organizational culture it will always go back to the comfort of white supremacy. White people want to be comfortable again.

Gone are the days of white people wanting to be comfortable being uncomfortable by using their privilege to champion the changes asked for with DEI efforts. A 2020 study by Lean In and Survey monkey found that in the workplace, 82 percent of white men and 81 percent of white women see themselves as allies. If most white people feel they are allies, then what good is it to keep having conversations and dialogue around allyship needed for DEI? If there are so many white people who feel they are already allies, then why do Black people feel discriminated against, tokenized, and othered in the workplace?

Over the many years of doing diversity work, I have found that white people want three things: 1) to be right, 2) to not be canceled or accountable, and 3) to be comfortable. These are the ways in which work is not done, changes do not happen, and white supremacy is upheld. It is the very reason white people who have done and continue to “do the work” feel like the odd ones out.

So, what happens now that we are witnessing the Death of DEI? Well, it is time for all of us to realize how we all have our own individual accountability with how we show up in spaces and places. We must acknowledge the systems and structures of white supremacy are not only the foundation of America but also, how people work, learn, and gather. There is still time to focus on our individual behaviors to create overall belonging to build company cultures for all to thrive in. We need to say goodbye to DEI so white people can acknowledge the importance of dismantling white supremacy...which they created after all.

For more read or listen to White Supremacy is All Around: Notes From a Black Disabled Woman in a White World available everywhere or contact Dr. Akilah Cadet/Change Cadet via email hello@changecadet.com if your looking for a thought partner or advisor as you navigate doing the work!

There is Absolutely no Care in Healthcare

Dr. Cadet stuns in a vintage Christian Dior nightgown and robe in a bold floral print with green, black, yellow and pink colors. Her face is somber but fastidious catching the light from her hospital window propped up in her hospital bed. One hand rests on her long golden braids showing her medical bands around her wrist. Although she was not seen and heard in the hospital recovering from surgery she knows she will be.

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

"I hear you and I see you...I just don't agree with you" Those were the words from a Black male surgeon (who assisted my wonderful surgeon for my surgery) who discharged me against my will. I pleaded to stay in the hospital as it had been 4 days without a bowel movement and I was in a lot of pain. The surgeon rounded the morning he discharged me and told me my fear around a bowel movement was "all in my head" and I was "worrying" too much. He then took his hand an massaged my forehead with pressure to tell me to stop worrying and stormed out of my room. 

Later that day when I asked for the charge nurse (RN) to figure out a more complete discharge plan and my concern around bowel movements the RN elevated it back to the surgical team. A nurse practitioner (NP) from the surgical team asked for my concerns where I expressed I have a history of gastrointestinal issues due to Ehlers Danlos syndrome, currently being on an injectable blood thinner, and having orthostatic hypertension (low blood pressure) that would make a bowel movement at home incredibly risky. I also explained to the NP that the hospital's responsible for my care 30 days post my surgery (something I knew as a former health administrator). The NP agreed and said she would send the surgeon down after he got out of surgery.

When the surgeon came down he repeatedly told me that I was worrying too much. I explained to him amongst tears and a shaky voice that I have rare disease and I'm at a higher risk for comorbidities. And that I understand their jobs to make sure I have the surgery but it's my job to make sure I don't have additional health problems as a result of the surgery. I echoed that I did not feel valued, seen or heard with my experience as someone who lives with rare disease so rare that it's one in a million. As he is an expert in surgery I'm an expert with living with EDS. I had what I would call a rare disease breakdown.

I poured out how hard it is to live with rare disease with not being believed, constant patient advocacy and always worrying about my progressive disability. How I worked with a pelvic floor therapist for over a year to regain function due to complications from coccydynia (inflamed tail bone.) How even though that every single day I'm in pain I'm able to run a successful company, show up as a friend, be there for my family, and take care of everyone's problems and how I just wanted to be taken care of for once.

I pleaded to stay in the hospital to have a safe bowel movement and was ignored in front of my mother, her husband, and my brilliant neuroscientist friend; all whom attempted to advocate for me to stay even for just one more night. I shared things that my mother has never heard before because I shield her from all the pain that I go through because I know she worries about me.

I said that I was going to tell him something that he wouldn't understand. I told the surgeon I live in grief every day mourning the person I was, the person I am, and the person I will be due to progressive disability and rare disease on top of my existence as Black disabled woman. How I could die at any moment due to my heart condition. How I worked tirelessly with the preop team a month prior to minimize any comorbidities/harm during surgery and post. I said if you get nothing from this conversation just know that you have to listen to people who live with rare disease because we know our bodies better than any provider.

I shared that my biggest fear of staying in the hospital was being ignored and that's exactly what happened. Every shift change I had to tell people I had EDS. No one cared as I repeatedly asked for heat packs to ease my chronic back pain. I told the surgeon how exhausting it was to not be able to rest and recover in the hospital because people didn't see me/my rare disease. I asked him to note in the chart that he discharged me without a bowel movement and reminded him he's responsible for my health for 30 days post. He said "you sound like a lawyer." I said "I sound like the former health administrator I told you I was."

The surgeon went up to my mom and said that I asked him on a date the night before (when I was with my father). I immediately said I NO! The surgeon felt it was appropriate to make fun of my tears and plea with a joke. But the joke was I was readmitted to the hospital (another UCSF hospital with excellent care) 2 days later with complications from no bowel movement in 6 days! This is the end but the beginning of the work I'll have to do to not be held responsible for his error.

Our Bodies. Not Our Choice. For Now…

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

I write this in a pitch-black room. My bedroom to be exact. We’ve known about a possible “decision” for a while. Leaked reports of the Supreme Court draft decision revealed our worst fears; Roe v. Wade overturned. Today it happened. I thought of drafting a piece last night, but I knew it would be my last night of peace. Perhaps I didn’t want to will it into existence. Yet here we are. Roe. v. Wade was overturned today. The opinion also outlines plans to go after other rulings that granted civil rights such as same-sex marriage. It will disproportionately impact historically excluded communities like Black, Indigenous, and people of color (BIPOC); LGBTQ+; and people with disabilities. I can’t help but think of my own intersectionality as a Black disabled woman. 

Ending 50 years of the landmark 1973 decision abortion is now a state issue. According to the Center for Reproductive Rights, this could result in 23 states banning abortion overall. As of today, abortion is illegal in 5 states, illegal/soon to be illegal in 11 state, and legal, for now, in 35 states. We officially have a country that is forcing unwanted pregnancies (including in cases of rape and incest) when we still do not have free or low-cost childcare, paid parental leave, mental health support, whilebiased stereotypes of women with children in the workplace persist. 

This ruling will, of course, disproportionately affect BIPOC. Privileged white women will always have access to safe abortion as that is a benefit of white supremacy.  But keep in mind this privilege can disappear in seconds with an ectopic pregnancy, emergency D+C, or other pregnancy related trauma where life saving care is denied due to state law. White supremacy is harmful to everyone.

As I think about becoming a mother myself I know I am putting myself at risk as America has the highest maternal mortality rates for a developed nation and is three to four times even higher for Black women. My heart breaks as I think about something that should bring me joy. With Roe v. Wade overturned we will see more systemic inequalities and societal harm like imprisonment and criminalization of women, advocates and medical providers resulting in loss of employment and worse death.

Just yesterday the 6-3 Supreme Court decision overturned a New York law that limited carrying guns outside the home. Amongst hundreds of mass shootings we've had this year, the Supreme Court ruled that Americans have the right to bear arms in public. There is no constitutional right to bodily autonomy but there is, apparently, a constitutional right to conceal a weapon.

It's not lost on me that I celebrated the 50th anniversary of Title IX last night introducing Oakland first women's soccer team. And this morning I am processing the loss of 50 years of Roe v. Wade. I know it feels like two steps forward and twenty-two steps back. I know it feels as BIPOC and as women we cannot get a break.

You may feel frustrated. Anger. Loss of hope. But know you are not alone as two thirds of Americans feel abortion should be legal. Just remember to turn it into action. Take the time to see what rights you and those you love have in your state. Call, text, tweet and email your state representatives to protect abortion. Urge your state to follow Connecticut’s lead to protect abortion providers.  Learn about and share information about the FDA approved medication abortion by mail. And send a supportive message to a woman you love on the dark historic day.

Maybe I am writing this in a dark room because I feel America is in a dark place. I know once the lights come on overturning Roe v. Wade will be real. I know I will have to get up and do the work to dismantle white supremacy, the precipice of patriarchy, lack of gun control, and the fear of what’s to come. But like every day, I will get up because my love language is dismantling white supremacy. I will get through this. You will get through this. We will get through this.

Our Bodies. Not Our Choice. For Now…

Finding Life in Living

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

Note: Written Saturday July 24, 2021. Trigger Warning: About depression and suicidal ideation.

I always play Breakdown by Mariah Carey and Bone Thugs-N-Harmony when I can't take it anymore. The song allows me to cry, scream, and feel validated for "losing my mind." I mean when she belts that part, I have my left finger on my ear and my right one waving to match each note (you know you do it too).

I played the song because the whirlpool button didn't work on my tub. Yes. That may seem like an overreaction to you but to me it felt like the end of the world.

I've been receiving injections in my back for months to help with the hypermobility and inflammation of my spine due to hEDS. Tuesday, I had eight injections in my back. I have to wait 48 hours before I can submerge in water. The injections are painful but luckily, I like needles.

These appointments are in the middle of the day and no one can go with me. I have a routine to emotionally prepare for the pain. I make sure I talk to my fantastic pain medicine doctor as each needle goes in deeper and deeper. I think about my McDonald french fries after. My doctor is really into the work that I do so we always have something to talk about.

I can feel the release of the lidocaine into my muscle and sometimes I twitch. Sometimes it stings. Every time it hurts. I have a high pain tolerance, but it would be nice if someone held my hand.

I started injections at the end of April and will have 13 sessions by the end of the year.

Ironically, the pain increases after the injections for a couple days. I was counting down the minutes to take this bath. As many of you know I bought my first home and my whirlpool tub was one of the first purchases I made. A deep soaking whirlpool tub complete with eight jets to manage the pain. When I told my doctor he said, “that's one of the best decisions you've made.” I was incredibly proud of myself too.

I've had a wonderful bath before giving me a few minutes with minimal pain (was still under renovation but hey). It is one of the few places where I feel like whatever normal is. I haven't felt that in many years.

The button was stuck, frozen. I was devastated.

Every little thing that goes wrong is a ticking time bomb of why is this my life or why am I living? I can spill a drink. Ticking time bomb. I can hit my funny bone. Ticking time bomb. I hold so much in all the time to run my business, take care of clients, take care of the dog, educate the public to keep going to, as I say, “do the work.” But sometimes the bomb goes off.

Living with major depressive disorder is like no other. It creeps up on you when you least expect it. It knows that you're happy and wants to take it away. There are thoughts that are so terrifying that you do all that you can to reclaim joy. I've been living with major depressive disorder for 6 years. I wanted to end my life at least three times. Today I'm in a place where I live for my calendar aka for my obligations not for me.

Fun fact! I'm talking into my phone to write this for you because my hands hurt so much due to hEDS. The other part of my major depressive disorder is that it is triggered by my chronic pain. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable that I question how I can live this way? How can I live another day?

See major depressive disorder makes you feel that every single thing is unfair mixed with how you deserve it or how you're unworthy. My chronic pain compounds it. Every ache and pain solidify the thoughts of wanting it to end.

The pain that is.

People will say the worst thing about major depressive disorder is suicidal ideation but it's really the place before that. Where you know that that feeling would be the next thing. It's this interesting place where you know you have to communicate your needs to your support team; therapist, family, and close friends and that's where you have a choice. Support or worse.

Don't worry, I always go to the support place but having to live with that feeling and emotion of maybe I should start to think about the end is awful. It's like this loop that plays in my head tormenting me. Literally bullying my will to live.

I live in a constant state of pain. Physical pain from my rare health conditions/living with disability and endless procedures/pain management. Mental pain from doing traumatic anti-racism work daily and managing chronic pain. I'm not going to lie, it's incredibly hard. Exhausting. I write this because I think it's important people know what it's like for me and millions of other people that live with chronic pain, disability, and depression.

It's also BIPOC Mental Health Awareness Month.

This week a prominent advocate of the mental health and disability community died by suicide. Erin Gilmer was my age. As a lawyer and activist, she made the world a better place, held doctors accountable, and changed Colorado state law for emergency prescriptions. Her final tweet resonated with me.

I get it. It's incredibly hard to be in pain, manage mental health, constantly be your own patient advocate, educate others, and live in a country that doesn't understand disability. I understand her freedom.

That news article stayed in my loop.

I know that I'm fine. (I'm fine is what I text my therapist this morning. She doesn't like that. But I know that I am fine because I've been through this cycle countless times. I always come out on the other side.)

Ironically, I live with the threat of death every single day. I can have a heart attack at any time due to my coronary artery spasms. If I contracted COVID I most likely wouldn't make it (vaccinated but still very risky for me). So, to have another part of my health due the same thing is cruel and at times too much.

Here is where I remind you that the brain is an organ so mental health is health. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

So why am I sharing this with you? It's because I know how to cope now. Previously, I would go through the same cycle that I've outlined for you and the end result would be an attempt at my life or really dark thoughts and planning on how to make it happen. I wouldn’t talk to anyone even my twin. I'd get up. Go to work. Maybe eat then go to sleep for many many weeks. I'd stop socializing.

I go through the motions of life without taking time to feel the ups and the downs that it brings.

Today, I can write about it. I tell my twin sister I’m getting close to suicidal ideation when I previously hid it from her (to the best of my ability because twins know and we talk without talking). Today I’m crying a lot, but to release the sadness to make space for joy.

Today, I'm able to text my therapist right away instead of waiting for my scheduled session. Call my Mom or a close friend and ask for help. Today, I don't think about the dark side of major depressive of disorder. Today, when I had to check in with my store as a lululemon ambassador, a store manager talked about how important my voice is, admired how I speak the truth, and how she saw I was in a lot of pain this week. Today when I found my car that I thought was stolen there was a text message saying there was a CBD bath soak waiting for me from a friend. Today, when I came home from lululemon there was a cake and flowers at my door from a client.

Today I lived another day.

Today others showed up for me by ask and well magic. Today was a bad-ish day. Tomorrow will happen. I'll have therapy. I’ll cry.  I'll be a keynote speaker at a conference. I'll have cake for breakfast. I'll binge something and nap with my dog. I’ll hold my contractor accountable to fix my tub. Then Monday I'll get up and keep being amazing.

If you or someone you know needs support managing mental health, please visit Mental Health America for tools and support.

Grief is Part of Being Anti-racist.

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

Grief is part of being anti-racist.

Let's talk about it. There are seven stages of grief as we know but what does it mean when becoming anti-racist. See below:

1) Shock and denial, disbelief and numbed feelings: You know that moment when you realize what you thought was true wasn't true. Like July 4th, police brutality, microaggressions, or racism. Or maybe a family member or friend is racist.

2) Pain and guilt: This is where people will question their whole existence. I said or did that thing to a Black person years or months ago...I'm horrible. I can't do anything. This is where pause happens...the "there's nothing I can do feeling" not realizing theirs literally today, tomorrow, and forever in front of them. It's intentional with white supremacy to not know things...read that again.

3) Anger and bargaining: Enter white fragility. Arguments to prove comfort, things not being fair, the what more do you want me to do feeling. A push for workplace efforts to include ageism or white women. This is the fight to uphold and benefit from white supremacy.

4) Depression: Regression. Sadness. More pause. The "there's nothing I can do" feeling returns. Followed by it's out of my hands...not my problem because I'm not racist. Feeling like your trapped, can't speak up, what will friends, family members, or coworkers say if they know I'm working to be anti-racist? Oh tears and frustration live her too.

5) The upward turn: (My favorite). Realizing the benefits, privilege, and power they have due to white supremacy. Understanding they can use it for good. Impact change the world needs. That light at the end of the tunnel vibe.

6) Reconstruction and working through: Starts to role model being an accomplice, advocate, and anti-racist. Learns to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Makes mistakes and apologizes. Doesn't go inward and keeps moving forward.

7) Acceptance and hope: Moves away from allyship. Practices being an accomplice, advocate, and anti-racist every single day. Holds self and others accountable. They brush their teeth, put on deodorant, and check their bias and privilege daily. They see the humanity and equality in me, Black people, and BIPOC.

Here's the thing. You're not losing anything by realizing your benefit from white supremacy. It's a beautiful thing to know, especially if you're a white person, that your benefit gives you an incredible opportunity to dismantle white supremacy. To assure what you have all BIPOC people have too.

There are two workshops I'm leading next week. See link in bio as I am happy to support you through the grief to a change maker! Be uncomfortable. Do the work.

George Floyd Day of Rememberance

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

May 25th, 2020 my life changed forever. A day where I celebrate my Mom's birthday has become a reminder of when it all changed. The work I've been doing for years was (still is) in demand. I worked 19 days straight, no breaks, because I needed to do something for Mr. George Floyd. Today we remember him. Today we thank Mr. Floyd for changing the world.

A year ago you found me on social media.

My Father calls it the Floyd Effect. You know where businesses, celebrities, media outlets, influencers, and people like you are learning to speak up about injustices and striving to be anti-rac Mr. Floyd's murder was heard, well viewed, around the world.

As the video circulated you may have seen humanity in Black people for the first time. I cried for 19 days. I pushed myself in a way I have never done in my entire career. I wanted to protect Black people by educating white people. The interest white people had to change and use their privilege for good was unlike I've ever seen before.

I was stuck between self care and building generational wealth. I lost 15 pounds and haven't been able to gain it back. My business scaled during the start of the pandemic due to a senseless murder by police. I traumatize myself every day doing this work. I sacrifice a lot and at times risk my health (invisible disability) to make this world better. I hear Mr. Floyd's voice all the time. When I become a mother I'll think of his final words.

Thank you Mr. Floyd. You changed my life.

If your life has not changed in this past year ask yourself why? Do you do the work? Are you doing the work? Are you advocating for local and federal legislation so this won't happen again? How are you holding yourself and others accountable? What have you done to advocate for Black people? If you only participated in the Summer of Allyship then it's time you reset, show up, speak up, and do the work!

For more information about George Floyd and steps you can take visit the George Floyd Memorial Foundation.

Dear white woman

Dear white woman,

The murder of George Floyd appalled you. You felt called to action to learn more about the injustices of the Black people. Then the summer ended and you wanted to go back to brunch. Well, that summer never ends for me, you know because I'm Black. I advocate for myself and my Black community every single day. This may be a surprise to you but allyship is the same thing. It makes sense that 55% of you voted for a racist president. More than 2016, because you choose whiteness over gender. I hope you reflect on your performative allyship and get it together. Reflect on how you centered yourself and not humanity and equality for Black people and BIPOC. If you are a true ally, call other white women in to do better. Allyship is life long. Be uncomfortable. Do the work.

Dr. Akilah Cadet

Be Proactive, Not Reactive for the Election

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

The 2020 election is unlike any election in modern day history. The pandemic has led to some of your workforce working at home. Injustices have become part of daily conversations. As a result, the workplace (which is home for some of your employees) has become a place where politics are discussed.

Your employees have a higher probability of anxiety and stress due to the election. Keep in mind that results will not be announced election night as we are accustomed too. The results may take a few weeks. Be mindful of different perspectives and do all that you can to minimize eruptive behavior in your workplace. Here is what we suggest for election preparation:

Pre-Statement: Prior to November 3rd send a statement providing resources and support to all employees. The letter should come from the highest executive (CEO, President, Executive Director).

EAP: Share a reminder for your Employee Assistance Program and any support it offers for mental health or group coaching/therapy.

Mental Health: Remind employees they have access to counselors/therapists through EAP or their insurance. Keep in mind that some insurance companies offer mindfulness apps like Calm or Headspace.

Mindfulness/Wellness: Like the above, you may want to add a link to encourage stress and anxiety management. This can include guided mediation, yoga, desk stretches, mindfulness and breathing exercises. Some managers may want to add to their team meetings.

Open Forum: Offer an open forum or facilitated discussion the week of the election. Allow for this time to be a place for people to talk about how they feel and concerns for the nation.  Keep it focused to listening and not taking sides. It can be led by leadership, HR/Talent, or DEI committee. Make sure to set ground rules including but not limited to: actively listen, safe space, one speaker at a time, a place to vent, setting expectations of what to share outside of the group etc. This is something you may want to repeat weekly or until the election is decided.

Voting Day: If you offer a day off or time off for democracy (voting, polling, protesting) please remind your staff.

Mental Health Day: Let your employees know that they can take a mental health day or time for their mental health on Nov 4th or during the waiting period. This is a proactive way to assure that your staff know they have an outlet and work is a supported place for self-care. Your employees may need to get groceries, fill prescriptions, and full their car with gas in order to feel safe or be prepared to temporarily relocate.

·Screen Off Time: Allow for screen off time during the waiting period. It may be a challenge to look presentable or focus in video conference spaces.

Manager Check In: Encourage your managers to check in with their teams. In team meetings managers can do a one word check in during the beginning or end of a meeting. Ask questions like “share one word of how you feel right now/with the recent election news/about society/what you need to feel supported at work etc. If there are words that are either sad or negative, the manager should check in with that team member. Managers should encourage their department to communicate if they need additional support, time off, or tools to complete work tasks.

Point of Contact: Share how employees can contact a lead for support. This may be Human Resources, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion Lead, or Manager.

Post Statement: On November 4th send a reminder email to all employees. Reiterate above. Employees may be in a different headspace and may appreciate the reminder of self-care. Note: If there are protests happening this day or this week, please communicate what the company will do to support employees. This is especially important for employees who work in physical spaces/are unable to work remotely.

Day of the Results Statement: When results are announced (could be weeks), have a statement ready to go. Keep in mind that your company many need to have an internal and external statement depending on the results. Either way there is a guarantee there will be protests so be prepared.

Biden Elected:

• Still encourage mental health support and group discussions.

• Employees will still be concerned about protests and the final days of Trump’s presidency. Executive orders can cause additional protests and more anxiety and stress.

Trump Elected:

• Follow the plan as outlined for the pre-statement. Remind your staff about mental health support and group discussions.

• Provide support for employees who work in physical spaces. It may be difficult to get to work or it may not safe due to protests.

Prepare an external statement. Due to Trump’s affiliation to white supremacy and demonstrated racist behavior it is important to have a statement that the company does not condone racism or white supremacy (whichever statement the company feels more comfortable with). Again, there is a high probability of protests and corresponding actions from the Trump administration that may make it even more difficult for Black employees, BIPOC (Black Indigenous People of Color), and white allies to function effectively at work. An internal and external statement will reaffirm the trust employees have in leadership and diversity/belonging efforts.

Remember it is better to be over-prepared and proactive than reactive. Keep doing the work!

Colorism Upholds Values of White Supremacy

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

Colorism upholds values of white supremacy. -Adaeze Cadet (wise words from my twin sister)

Colorism is discrimination based on skin color. People with darker skin do not have the same privilege with people who have lighter skin. As a Black woman I know my light skin gives me more unearned privilege. You know where this privilege in America comes from? Slavery! Here's why:

Enslaved Black people were raped by enslavers (men and women forced these traumatizing assaults) resulting in pregnancy. On the plantation the lighter skinned children, men, and women as a result of rape would work in the home. Lighter skin was more appealing to white people. It was also a way for enslavers to keep their children close and/or protect them from more violence in the field. This caused a divide in the Black community. Darker skinned Black people were outside doing back breaking work and brutality assaulted, maimed, and murdered. And lighter skinned Black people were inside doing domestic work (harmed too but not the severity of Black people outside). This was the start of a form of control. White people put Black people against each other through the separation and status of skin color. They determined who deserved more privilege as a direct result of their own privilege.

Black people who had a white mother were free in some states as the mother's status was given to the child. Some of these children would go on to be notable Black people due to their privilege. With the end of slavery due to the Thirteenth Amendment (Emancipation Proclamation was just the beginning y'all) it was a start of the Jim Crow era in America. During that time Black people with lighter skin received job opportunities that were off limits to Black people with darker skin. So much so Black people looking for jobs would advertise they were light skinned. All for white comfort.

Upper/middle class Black communities began to develop due to light skin privilege. They had better jobs, education, more opportunities, and more wealth than Black people with darker skin. This led to the brown paper bag test, where Black social circles would require Black people who wanted to join to be the color of a brown paper bag or lighter. Darker skinned Black people were not given the same opportunities due to their skin color from lighter skinned Black people and white people. Once again they had more laborious jobs and were viewed more as a threat for white people.

Today you see colorism with Black people play out with fashion, movies, beauty, advertisements, celebrities, whitening creams (yes in 2020 Black people lighten their skin) and more. Lighter skinned women even get shorter prison sentences then darker skinned women. Colorism is prevalent. Quite frankly it's why people listen to me about anti-racism. My light skin, light eyes, and more are aesthetically pleasing for white people to learn and unlearn. I'm honored, I truly am, AND I'm aware of my privilege AND use it for good.

The more there is a divide among Black people the more control white people have.

White people have more dominance and can maintain white supremacy.

They want us to do the work for them.

This division is the very reason why people are criticizing Beyoncé for Black is King. Beyoncé is light skinned like me. She is viewed as not having the lived experience of a darker skinned Black person. NO ONE can determine someone else's Blackness. Even with my light skin I'm still turned away, passed over, overlooked, ignored, viewed as less than, and the list goes on. Black is Black. Black is King.

White Centering

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

White centering is choosing their feelings and comfort over my humanity as a Black person...over the work and efforts for equality and humanity for Black people.

White centering is when a Black person expresses to a white person an action or behavior was harmful to them and the white person quickly becomes defensive instead of learning from the mistake, actively listening and apologizing to the Black person.

White centering is when white people make it about themselves so they do not have to be uncomfortable or hold themselves accountable for their actions of harming, hurting, or ignoring Black people or their feelings or actions towards them. It's making it about themselves instead of support and advocacy for Black lives.

White centering is when a white person makes it about themselves when learning about privilege and/or unwilling to use their privilege to end systemic or institutional racism and oppression. White centering looks like "well what if I lose a client/money," or "what if people say hurtful things about me," or "my friend/partner/kid is Black so I understand," or what will they say when I post/say something in support of Black Lives Matter?"

White centering is a white person who does not want to feel like they do not know the facts, history, or cause for something. They don't want to be wrong in front of a Black person.

White centering is when a white person feels they are losing the very power (upholding values of white supremacy) they have had all their lives, not realizing or caring that all we are asking for is equality and humanity. Black people are not asking for domination or being above/over white people. We just want to live and have the same opportunities as white people.

White centering is a form of privilege meaning the white person does not want to do the work. They want to be comfortable. They don't want to hold themselves accountable. In order for Black Lives to matter white people need to continue to do the work of becoming an ally to start the journey of being an accomplice. Be uncomfortable. Do the work.

What Leaders can do for Black Employees

Artwork from the Great Place to Work Summit March 2020

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

I keep being asked what leaders need to do with recent events threatening the lives of and taking the lives of Black people in America. Even with these tips, some companies are struggling specifically with leadership. Before I get into actionable steps, it is important to understand that if the highest level of leadership does not want to support, value, or understand the Black experience and Black lives, nothing will change. Since we know that leadership is predominantly white this is intended for white leaders or white passing or assimilated leaders (aka they may be people of color but have to act like white dominate leadership in fear of losing their jobs or code switch). These are in no particular order.

1. Be uncomfortable: I can tell you as a Black woman I learned at an incredibly very young age how to live so white people would be/feel comfortable around me and I would not be harassed or harmed by them. This was carried throughout school and continues in the workplace, social settings, cafes, malls, stores, driving, walking, airports, etc. See where I am going. For my existence to make sense in America I had to learn how to live in white America. White leaders will feel uncomfortable because they don’t know everything, have implicit bias, stereotype, don’t have experience in diversity, or quite simply feeling like they are less than. FEEL IT. Learn the same ways to exist in Black spaces as I have to exist in white spaces.

2. Compassion not Comparison: It is important to have compassion for what your Black employees are experiencing right now. Do not compare your lived experience to a Black person’s lived experience if you are not Black. Stay away from saying “I know what that’s like” because you don’t. These include “my partner or child is Black,” and “I grew up poor” so I know. If you are not Black you absolutely do not know the Black experience. Also don’t ever say “I don’t see color” and if you feel you need to say that ask yourself what you do at a stoplight…spoiler alert you see color.

3. Do not put the Work on BIPOC: Here’s a term you may not know, Black, Indigenous, People of Color or BIPOC. Start using it. WOC (women of color) and POC (people of color) are fine too but Black people’s experience is different from Asian, Indigenous, Latinx and others. This is evident with the current unrest. Black people cannot rest right now so do not expect BIPOC senior, mid, or entry level staff to do the work for the CEO, President, or Executive Director. Do not expect them or any person of color to have difficult conversations so you do not have to feel uncomfortable (see number 1).

4. Prioritize Internal Message: Black employees should not see a social media post about how a company is donating to a cause BEFORE they know what leaders are doing for THEM. Start with your internal memo. The highest level leader should apologize, offer support and resources (therapy, support circles, workshops, etc.), as well as what they are planning on doing externally. ALLOW for time for Black people to suggest other ways to feel valued and supported internally along with what message goes out externally.

5. External Message: This message should not be MORE than what leaders are doing for Black employees. For example don’t give 100K to a fund or nonprofit advocating for Black people when that same amount of money if not more isn’t going to Black employees via employee resource groups, wellness funds, professional development, diversity consultants, and therapist for support circles or individualized care. As soon as you give more to Black people externally than you do internally you start the process of losing your Black employees (see number 8 intent vs. impact). Companies who do this (many do) are literally sending the message that Black people matter and not our Black employees matter.

6. Give Black People an Opportunity: If there are Black employees who would like to lead an internal or external effort not only give them the resources to do so, but PAY THEM TO DO IT! Do not expect them to carry the weight of being Black in America into the workplace without proper compensation. We do it all the time for free in our personal and professional lives. Make sure you highlight what Black employees are doing company wide and pay them accordingly.

7. Don’t Make it About You: Black employees do not need to comfort or educate leaders. It is the responsibility to make it about Black employees. Go back to number 1; Be uncomfortable. Leaders need to think about the last time they lost someone, a death of a loved one or how they supported a love one who was grieving. Black people are grieving! Some of us may want to put our time and energy into work, others may want to take time off. Some Black people may have an outburst. All of these are normal responses to grief and loss. Look at your bereavement policy for direction and guidance.

8. Intent vs. Impact: Companies do this all the time where they think they are doing something great but in actuality they are making something worse. For example, intent being public message of supporting an organization working on X in the Black community and the impact is Black employees upset that they are not supported at work like the organization. Think about what your plan is internally first and then communicate the external plan in a way where feedback can be received. Once approved collectively then move to the external message. This goes for Black employees who may have emailed their direct Supervisor, Executive, Head of Diversity, or a company wide/all staff asking for a response. Leaders, if you are at a point where someone must bring up injustices towards Black people then you are not in a good position. This means Black employees have seen leadership responses for other tragedies and are confused as to why there wasn’t one last week. You can recover by using this list, but ask yourself why did you not have a diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging plan AND company values that included BIPOC in the first place. Now is the time to hire a diversity consultant to assure it does not happen again.

9. Belonging: This is the simple concept of everyone, regardless or ethnicity, race, gender, age, religion, identify, etc. can be themselves in the workplace. Belonging is a simple part of workplace culture that is often hard to achieve in white dominated workplaces as they only think about what they need to belong in the workplace. Take time to look at who is in senior and executive roles. If they are primarily white, change that. Not just with hiring one Black LGBTQ+ woman (companies like to do catch all’s) take the time to diversify the culture so that when something like George Floyd protests happens again you respond in a timely manner.

10. Power + Privilege Workshop: Hire me, a Black woman to conduct my Power + Privilege workshop. We all have power and privilege in the workplace. This topic examines the many forms of power and privilege such as roles in the workplace, ethnicity, social economic status, education level, and more. Tips will be shared on how to use your power and privilege for yourself, to support others, and cultivating allyship towards a path of becoming an accomplice. This interactive workshop via Zoom will include partner work and group discussions. Suggested for those new to diversity, equity, inclusion and belonging, pivoting culture due to COVID19 and racial injustices, refreshing diversity efforts, allies, and employee resource groups. Contact us for more information or to schedule.

Triggered and Tired

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

I am triggered and tired.

I am tired and triggered.

Life goes on for white people after harm towards or death of Black people. It goes on. They go to work. They take selfies. Cook dinners. Watch their favorite show. They laugh over cocktails. Go on hikes. They live. We die.

A part of us dies every time we see a Black person leave this world too soon. We have a hashtag. Some watch the video. Do our research. Read articles. We tweet. We protest. Make calls. Send emails. We are outraged due to the harm but also because we know driving isn’t safe. Walking isn’t safe. Running isn’t safe. Bird watching isn’t safe.

Black people have to show up to work. We have to be around white people; we have to force ourselves to not burst into tears or control a possible outburst due to another untimely death. Some of us are forced to educate white people about “what happened.” We may have a drink but we will toast or pour some out for Oscar, Breonna, Mike, Sandra, George. We must continue our lives when a Black life if unjustly lost. We have to live our lives when this nation reminds us on the regular that we are not wanted. We live our lives constantly being threatened. Black people carry the weight of Black people.

It’s heavy.

I never intended my life to be a person who advocates for Black people, Black women, Black men, Black lives.  I was going to be a pediatrician. As you know I am open to change (it’s in the title of my firm). Things came along in my educational and professional path where I took a right instead of a left. I would have never guessed the direction I headed was diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging.

Everyday of my life for the past five years is making sure we belong. It is 2020 and I am not just working, I am booked and busy, making sure that the data, the strategy, the individual behavior, that my storytelling resonates with the one white person who has the power to make the workplace a place where Black people, POC, disabled, and marginalized communities belong. Then there’s another murder, then COVID19 health disparities, then white people protesting about haircuts, then more murder, then black people protesting who are gassed, beaten, shot at or run over by police.

See I was going to be a pediatrician to save lives. Now I’m a doctor fighting for Black lives.

I am triggered and tired, but I am also Black and I keep being amazing.

I am Black and I keep being amazing even when I am triggered and tired.

What Companies can do for Black Employees

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

This week companies and leaders have reached out to me about what to do about/for their Black employees due to injustices towards Black people in America.

1. Apologize for not checking in. Be sincere by saying that you are learning how these continuous injustices are harmful to Black people.

2. Ask what you can do to support them.

3. Study this resource to learn why events like this are hard for us, Black people, to go on like nothing happened at work.

4. If you are a leader send out an email acknowledging injustices! Provide resources like therapists, links to anti-racism, or have workshops on privilege!

5. Do not pretend this week's events did not happen. You have to remember that Black people have a higher probability of not feeling valued in the workplace. When our own country doesn't value our existence, our lives, and that continues in the workplace THIS is a time for you to show value.

The Wing aka White Women

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

Hi The Wing. You know me from holding you accountable for the unfair and unjust treatment of a Black member in your space. You know, how a white member's experience mattered more than the Black member. Well I wanted to talk to you again about intent vs. impact. This morning's conversation and support circle for Black lives matter was triggering. With over 350 people in the Zoom all I saw was a sea of white women. Do you know that white women are triggering to Black people/women right now? Do you know that the excellent moderation from two Black women was overlooked by the tears, the rage, the fear Black women are holding right now? Of course you don't. I attended the event advertised as holding the space for our Black community

When I entered the virtual room I became triggered (later validated by another Black women who spoke and left, I left too). The voice of the guide Dr. Eboni Marshall Turman was soothing and affirming. I calmed down. The first person to speak, a Black woman, whose first words were dripped in tears. I raised my virtual hand and started to write. When my time came this is what I said.

***

My name is Dr. Akilah Cadet. I say that not due to ego. I say that because even with my three degrees I can lose my life. I say that because with all the hard work White America told me to do I can still die. As someone who founded a diversity consulting firm-- An expert in diversity,equity, inclusion, and belonging, I have little faith that my work will do much.

I am tired and triggered.

We are tired and triggered.

We, and I mean Black women, cannot fight this war. Yes, war on our own. We are here at The Wing so we all have privilege. But the difference between me and the majority of people in this room is whiteness. I am calling in to the white members to be more than allies. Be an accomplice. Lift us up with the privilege I'll never have which is your whiteness. Start with anti-racism. Speak up. Post. Email. Talk to your white friends. Let them know that we, that I, that Black lives matter.

In the comments I see the word brave for the Black women who have shared with us today. We are not brave. We are not courageous. Sometimes as Black people what looks like courage is really feelings of disbelief, trauma, anger, disappointment to the point where we'd risk anything to keep just one part of our sanity. Black women are doing work we should have never had to do. 

***

I paused throughout to hold back tears. I paused to breathe as my heart was racing. I paused because I am tired having to say the same shit over and over and over. Unlike white women I know I am Black. I know I am a woman. I don't have the luxury to pick and choose between the two of them like most white women do.

Stop using your whiteness if it continues to kill us.

Stop using your whiteness if it instills fear.

Stop using your whiteness if you want to feel superior.

Start using your whiteness to let me live.

I Took a Walk Today

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

I took a walk today. I know what you are thinking…what's so special about a walk. It has been over 60 days since I took a walk. Sixty days! Something so common, normal, and routine like walking to a meeting, train, or around the grocery store are incredible sources of fear for me due to COVD19.

As many of you know I live with a rare heart condition. As my primary doctor told me while giving me a flu shot and pneumovax (prevents lung, brain, and blood infections) this past October, she said “you can't get sick…it's not going to be good for you.” Coronavirus was like hold my beer. With  rapidly changing research and data coming out about coronavirus and the heart I went into a deep depression. Short version coronavirus attacks the heart the same way it does the lungs.

My heart is already at a disadvantage. And consultation with my cardiologist I made the decision to stay indoors indefinitely until I received a vaccine. Today is day 70. In our exchange three weeks ago I said, “I'm working up the courage to take a walk.”

I don't know if it was how the sun was hitting my forehead this morning as a friend dropped off almond milk for the millionth time. Or if it was the fact that my postman (he is a lovely guy that I thank as much as possible) came early today and I had time sensitive packages that needed to be sent. Either way I took a walk.

Now in true Virgo form I had to have a purpose of the walk.  Sixteen dollars in prepaid labels expiring at 11:59pm was the purpose I needed. As I was preparing the packages, I had a feeling that the postman already came. When I confirmed this was true, I walked back upstairs to my unit literally looked myself in the bathroom mirror (think Issa Rae in Insecure) and said I was going to do this.

I put on my outside clothes (yes I have outside clothes) land aced up my Nikes (yes outside sneakers) first time in 60+ days.  I grabbed my packages and headed to the USPS mailbox. When I made it past my entryway and headed to cross the street I just kept going. There was a car in the intersection and I did not care. I was on a mission.

As I turned right to head up a hill where literally on the other side was a mailbox (like a rainbow and pot of gold) I saw a shit ton of people. I zigged and zagged between cars parked on the street. I did the diagonal cross the street move and felt myself going into tachycardia. Walking with people around me was incredibly stressful. I started to get hot.

My focus changed to my breath as I went down the hill. Person with the dog, I walked in the street. Person without a mask, internal judgement, crossed the street. Then there it was, the mailbox. AND the mailman was parked right next to it walking to his truck! He saw me crossing the street and I gently lifted my packages. He waved me over. I handed my packages to him stretching my arm as far as I could to keep us safe. I thanked him for EVERYTHING! (Support USPS by the way, like seriously, we need to vote by mail).

With a quick turn I was headed back up the hill. I was feeling better and more in control as I navigated people, cars, and the street. I took pictures. Then I paused. "I did it" I thought to myself. Took a breath. Took a selfie. Within minutes I was back home. Safe.

Ten minutes. I was only gone for 10 minutes and I felt like I conquered the world. Now I probably will not do an afternoon walk again because it did take a lot out of me. I will work towards an early morning 6am walk when it feels right. I know I need to go outside and I also need to live. For now, I am going to celebrate with some cookies.

Please wear a mask. Think of others. Be kind. Stay safe

Invisible

Me crying in tachycardia and chest pain boarding the plane.

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

Do you know what it’s like to not be seen?  I do.  It was September 4th when I was flying from Post of Spain, Trinidad to Miami at American Airlines Gate 6.

I've been flying with my heart condition (coronary artery spasms) for a year now (I couldn't fly further than LA for almost a year…I live in Oakland). I did everything that I was supposed to. I checked in with the gate attendant for preboard. He asked why and I told him I have a heart condition that makes me slower and need extra time to board. He said, "okay no problem" without any hesitation or further questions and instructed me to listen to his preboard announcement.

When I stood at the end of the line behind three wheelchairs waiting to preboard I was asked to move when another wheelchair came. I explained to the airline employee that I am preboard too. She said, “that's fine” even though she put the person in a wheelchair in front of me.

I stood behind the last wheelchair waiting my turn to preboard.

All the wheelchairs boarded. And I said to the female attendant boarded them that I'm preboard too. She told me to wait. I said other people have started boarding, I need the time, I need to sit down due to my heart. She notified the supervisor (also a woman) and I stood there realizing that it was happening...I didn't matter. I told the supervisor the same thing, that I'm preboard too. She said, "well you shouldn't fly if you have a heart condition" and blamed me for informing her of my condition. I explained that I do and can fly I just need more time.

This is where discrimination began. Flight staff don't tell people in a wheelchair they shouldn't fly. But me, perceived young, pretty, healthy looking, and standing in line with an invisible illness there's no possible way I needed time or assistance to board. I don't use a wheelchair because I want to keep as much independence as possible and quite frankly I don't know what my future will hold.

I told the supervisor that I checked in with the gentleman at the desk. He heard the conversation and agreed. Another attendant said they didn't take your ticket. I said they took the tickets of those with wheelchairs. Then I was told I had to do ANOTHER security check even though I just did one at the checkpoint (they went through everything and even put their hands inside the band of my leggings after the pat down the outside) in order to get to the gate.

The line of passengers built as they boarded the plane. They told me to wait. I told them I need to sit down. My heart was beating faster, the chest pain was starting.

They finally moved me to a security check right before the jetway. I passed the supervisor as I told her that she was discriminating someone with a disability. Once again my bag was checked as I explained that I needed to sit down because of my heart. The security person was quiet. I sat on the floor next to the table where my items where being examined.

"You can't sit on the floor while I look at your bags" she says. I get up and for the millionth time share that I have a heart condition and need to sit down I will need to take my medication. Now the tears flow. I'm alone. In pain. No one cares. I'm in a different country. My chest is in pain. No Wi-Fi to contact anyone. And all I wanted to do is sit down and get back to a normal heart rhythm. I think at that moment the security officer had some compassion as she quickly checked my breasts and bottoms of my feet.

See the thing is I've felt what feels like death...when my heart races so fast I feel pain and can't catch my breath. When I feel the only way to make it stop is for my heart to stop. I never want to feel like that. Every minute of my life is preventing that feeling. Every minute of my life I'm reminded I'm no longer "normal."

Security check number two was complete. Waiting to get on the plane (what I would have prevented if I preboarded) my heart rate soared to 142 beats per minute. Tachycardia aka rapid heart rate is 100 beats per minute. Trust me it's uncomfortable. It’s normal when someone is working out, but I was just existing. It was higher but I couldn’t check because I was with security.

I finally was seated on the plane with the type of chest pain I was trying to avoid. My eyes continued to fill with tears as not being heard is area of trauma for me. In the past two years I've had to advocate for myself in the ER, to specialist, nurses and told my four heart conditions were just stress, anxiety, and or not real pain. I am diagnosed now.  Coronary artery spasms are an incredibly rare heart condition that happens to healthy younger people that feels like mini heart attacks and you guessed it, puts me at risk for an actual heart attack. I have spasms daily. Even though they happen whenever, stress is one of the things that can increase spasms.

Safe in my seat I listened to Solange reminding me that I have the right to be mad, took a nitroglycerin (what’s given to people who have a heart attack to almost instantly open the arteries and minimize chest pain) and deep breaths between my sniffles. I kept monitoring my heart rate until tachycardia subsided. Finally connected to Wi-Fi I texted my therapist and twin. I had chest pain and cried on and off for the 9 hours of flight time. Guess I'll have to ask for a wheelchair to not be invisible the next time I fly out of Port of Spain.

Update: I left a voicemail for the special assistance department of American Airlines as soon as I was home. The airline contacted me later that day and were appalled by my story (Thank you Janet for listening to my story through my tears). They reminded me of the rights I already knew, letting me know that they should have let me board and sit down for the second security check. The representative informed me that a notice would be sent out to all staff about invisible illness, the general manager at Port of Spain would be informed of their teams’ treatment towards me, and action would be taken against the horrendous supervisor and staff who treated me with no compassion.

Black Women Need to be Paid Too

Photo by Vanessa Acosta

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

I love being a black woman. It is a gift. But when it comes to the workplace our gifts are not compensated fairly. Today is Black Women's Equal Pay Day. I know what you're thinking, we just celebrated Equal Pay Day. And you're right. But Equal Pay Day is for white women. Yes, white women. Black Women's Equal Pay Day, August 22, 2019 (this year) is the day black women must work into the new year to make what a white man made at the end of the previous year. Black women make on average 61 cents for every dollar paid to white men.

According to the National Partnership for Women and Families if the wage gap for full time black women was eliminated black women would have enough money for:

·       2.5 years of childcare;

·       2.6 additional years of college tuition (full costs for community college);

·       3 years of food for her family (more than 3 years’ worth);

·       15 additional months of mortgage and utilities payments or 23 more months of rent;

·       17 additional months of premiums for employer-based health insurance;

·       20 additional years of birth control;

·       Enough money to pay off the average student loan debt in one year.

Sounds good right?  Unfortunately, there are barriers to getting to the place where black women are getting paid in the workplace to have the above financial freedom. Let’s start with education. Black women are the most educated demographic in America, but with bachelor’s degrees in full time positions they make 37 percent less than white men with bachelor’s degrees.  With 64% of the nation’s student debt, this means black women are taking much longer to pay off school debt, having less financial freedom.

Black women run thangs, but they don’t run companies.  Eighty percent of black women are the breadwinners in their family.  This would not be an issue if there were more black women leading companies with access to higher salary and perks. In fact, 0.5 percent of black women are in leadership positions in Silicon Valley and there are no CEOs of Fortune 500 companies. Seventeen percent of the workforce is made up of black women and are 33 percent of low wage jobs like retail, health aides, and fast food restaurants.

So, what can you do?

Post about it!  It is important that ALL women highlight different Equal Pay Days.  Post something in your feed or stories.  Get the word out there.  And if you are a white woman, this is a wonderful way to be an ally for black women. And after that post, talk about your compensation!  Being open about what you make allows women, black women, to know what they should be getting for the same or similar role. Teamwork makes the dream work.

Talk to the fellas!  Get men on board. Educate them about what’s going on, not just for white women, but black women too. Encourage them to share what they are making too! Again, their black women peers or coworkers can easily take a pay discrepancy to HR and ask for more (good companies will learn from the pay inequity, keep that in mind). Also ask men to advocate for equal pay in the workplace, especially if they are in positions of leadership.  Leaders (all leaders) can make a concerted effort to make sure black women who are offered positions or raises are offered the same salary if not more than white men.

Speaking of men…vote!  Get out there and be vocal about who you want in office. More women in positions in government can make a difference (uh can we say AOC)! We need legislation to hold companies accountable for equal and fair pay for black women. Having women in office of any color is a step in the right direction.

Yes, equal pay is important for ALL women, but pretending like it is the same for black women and brown women is unfair to women of color who have more barriers to reach the same level as white men and women. Black Women’s Equal Pay Day is an example of how unfair pay is in the workplace as white women make 77 cents on the dollar. Although gender aligns for equal pay for women, race/ethnicity is the reminder to continue to advocate and take action to make sure it is fair across the board. Remember, the only way to make change for equal pay is that ALL women receive it.

Dear Kathy

A selfie when the n-word was said by a white woman.

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

Dear Kathy

The scenery of Bordeaux, France is literally a fairytale.  Châteaus, manicured vineyards, and soft warm sun. I have traveled to France many times, but this was my first time in the picturesque city. My words about diversity in wine were first shared on a panel at Bâtonnage, a women in wine forum in May. My words were literally heard around the world as I was asked by the Areni Institute to speak about diversity at their Think Tank in Bordeaux during the Fourth of July weekend. As you know, America is not acting like the land of the free and I was excited to not have to feel like I should celebrate during a time where people of color, immigrants, and women are losing their freedom and lives.

I was part of a round table, titled “Language, Marketing, and Diversity: Rethinking the Way We Talk About Wine” held in a cold, yet charming wine cellar.” The tablecloth was white, the blanket around my shoulders was white, and so were the participants around the table. I was the only black person and person of color. I was the diversity in a conversation about diversity.

When the conversation started I chose to listen as I'm new to the wine industry and always respect the expertise in the room. Discussion moved to social media, the young consumer, and big data analytics for marketing to the new/future consumer. A white woman, who mentioned at the start of the round table that she had some data that may be applicable to the conversation elected to share a visual.  Before showing her laptop screen, she looked at me and said “Akilah I would love your feedback as you are the diversity person.”

Her laptop was positioned for all of us to see two blue circles that looked like targets. I saw the word. Kathy shared how her data looked at themes (words and hashtags) on social media about chilled red wine. She even mentioned Black Twitter.  I kept looking at the word. She continued to explain one circle represented black people and the other on represented everyone else (her client is looking for ways to market to people of color). The wheel visualization had words with the highest incidence in big letters in the center and the words that weren't as prevalent were smaller and listed in the outer ring.

In all capital letters was NIGGAS BEEFIN.

I thought to myself, is she going to say it? I was shocked to see those words.  Why were they there?  Why didn’t it say N-Word or N*****? She said it five times. I sat there and counted.  I asked her to not say the word multiple times.  Kathy kept saying it as if it was an everyday word. With ease and comfort. As I asked her again to not say it, another white woman from Seattle, Washington said, “Is wigger better?”

“This cannot be happening…this is not real,” I said in my head over and over again.  But I felt the cold from the wine cellar, I wrapped myself in my blanket tighter, I pinched my hand, and said “No, that’s also offensive. Not what we are talking about.” I didn’t have time to get into that as a white woman kept repeating the n-word. In my plea to have her stop saying the word, A white man, said “that word is not for us to say” (I thanked him later as he said it was appalling to hear). I followed by saying “that word is not for you to say as a white person; it's not for you. It's a word for black people reclaiming a negative word.” At that moment she stopped.

I sat there for 45 minutes to an hour triggered. Triggered. I felt the anger rise in my blood. I felt the ancestral trauma boil up until the round table ended. When it was over I found the only other black person in this entire Think Tank of 65 invited guests. I told the Beyoncé of Wine, Julia Coney what happened (side note, look her up she is amazing).

Like black women often do she became my protector and immediately had my back. In that moment of comfort and solidarity, Kathy came over to us. She said, “I am sorry for saying the n-word.” I said “as you should and thank you. But why did you say the word in the first place?” She said she didn’t know and had never said the word before. Now, I was perplexed because she typed up the word, put in on a visual, and said it multiple times with ease.

I questioned her. “That's really interesting because you came over to apologize for using the n-word so you knew it wasn't okay to say it; you made a choice.” I then explained the history around the word regardless of "er/ers" or "a/as" at the end of the word and how her reference was a word that black people created to reclaim a negative and incredibly traumatic word. That if the n-word was to be used in data it should be truncated, you know, like how she apologized.

I went on to say that she has no excuses as she lives in Atlanta, Georgia the black Hollywood capital with no absence of black people in her city. I told Kathy that I was excited to be out of the country for the 4th and how I never thought that in Bordeaux I would have to deal with this. That as a black woman in America my life is threatened every single day and for her to not validate my words when I was sitting directly across her as the only black person at the table was a horrific experience. She is a writer for a major publication so in my teaching moment I shared how she knows first-hand how derogatory the word is and how she has seen white celebrities use the word and ripped apart by the media. She had no excuse.

I questioned her use of power and privilege especially since she had a visual cue to not say the word.  Kathy did not see me.  She chose to not see me. Like some white women in America using their white privilege to ignore my existence. I said “you asked for my feedback as the diversity person at the Think Tank.  You literally used my name in reference to your data and you STILL felt it was okay to use the n-word. You made a choice.” As my voice began to crack, but still full of power and confidence, I said “never, ever say that word again.” As the tears started to build in my eyes and my breath became short, I went to the bathroom to cry. White women are exhausting and I was tired.

Later that night there was a gala. Once I arrived at yet another gorgeous château, Kathy was apologizing yet again. This time with white tears aka when white people feel their white privilege is being threatened. She was sick with what happened.  I told her it is a journey for her to go on to figure out why she said the word.

The next morning, white tears transcended into white guilt.  Kathy was still troubled by saying the n-word multiple times. She wanted to know what to do.  Once again I told her that she had a journey to getting to the point of saying the word and she will have a journey understanding why she said it. That the intent of the use of the n-word was to not harm, but the outcome was just that. Please note, that it is not the responsibility of black people to help white people figure out why they say derogatory and racism terms or practice discriminatory behavior.

I said “I am going to tell you something that you will not understand. There is something called ancestral trauma.  By you saying the n-word yesterday I not only have to feel the negative outcome of that word which you saw with the start of my tears. I had to feel the trauma of my ancestors who were harmed or even lost their lives because of that word.” She wanted to work together and I said that is a longer conversation. In the afternoon she became the white savior. “I found a client for you, some work for you,” Kathy said with a feeling of accomplishment.  I said that it would need to be a longer conversation. 

Now, some would think, just work with her.  But something was missing.  She never shared what she would do to take action to not say the n-word again. Kathy was embarrassed. Kathy felt guilt. Kathy was upset. Kathy was sick to her stomach. Kathy was hurt. Kathy ignored my pain, my trauma, my energy I had to put into stopping her from saying a derogatory word.  Kathy did not care about my feelings, she wanted me to validate her goodness as a white woman.

I am not the one.

Kathy only cared about her feelings. Even when I visibly shared mine. Remember, tears welted as the last thing I could say before getting choked up was “never, ever say that word again.” But to her, that didn’t matter; her white privilege was more important to protect. As soon as I touched down in San Francisco there was an email:

Subject: Bordeaux, Friday Round Table

Message: Akilah, hello — How are you?

I’m reaching out via your website here, in hopes that we can stay in touch moving forward. What passed between us was a deeply emotional experience for me, and what you said at lunch on Friday has been front of mind since then. I have no rationale for my blind spot — “It’s what the data says” doesn’t cut it, I see with painful clarity — nor do I have an excuse.

Earlier today I sent the topic wheel visualization to my client, censored per your and Julia’s suggestion, along with my best explanation for its edited format. If you have any interest at all in seeing it, I’d be happy to share. I will also put your name and company forward when it is time for the client to move ahead with their outreach to people of color.

If you see another way to utilize Friday’s round table incident in an educative or productive manner, I’d be very open to hearing it.

I look forward to your thoughts in response, Akilah —

Thank you,

Kathy

Deeply. Emotional. Experience. For. Me.

See.  I am not seen.  My feelings are not valued.  My trauma ignored. To the Kathy’s of the world continue your journey, Google, talk to your white friends, learn from your mistakes and trauma you have inflicted on black people. Grow from it. And if you can, become a white ally (like the white man who advocated for me). But remember to not overlook or undervalue the outcome of your actions toward black people. We matter.

Mental Health in the Workplace

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

Sundays you feel anxiety, anger, and frustration about your job. You're frequently late to work. Your appearance changes and you no longer volunteer or engage in opportunities. Gone are the days of you staying for the happy hours or any social work event.  And somehow your feeling of impostor syndrome increases even when you know you’re qualified to do the job.  Any of these feelings sound familiar?  If so, it is time to evaluate your mental health at work.

To wrap up Mental Health Awareness Month I’d like to talk about the importance of mental health in the workplace. You should have JOY at work. Not that you have to be on cloud 9 everyday, but you really should enjoy your job and the people around you. I would know.

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder or severe depression in 2016 due to a horrible job. I want to be clear just because you're experiencing some lows in the workplace it does not mean you have a mental illness. It  just means you have to be proactive about changing the negative behavior you experience and/or feel.

If you are in a place where you're experiencing any of these following signs it's time to put yourself first:

Sunday Simmer: If you spend any part of your Sundays thinking about how much you do not want to go to work, see your boss, or work with your team that is what I call the Sunday Simmer.   You bubble with anger, frustration, anxiety, or disappointment.  If you feel you are simmering one or more of these ways you must do something about it! Is there someone you can talk to at work like a mentor or advisor? Can you report to someone else or move to a different department? Whatever it is, don't stay in the simmer because if you're giving your Sundays to work you're at a higher risk for increased anxiety and depression as one in 20 workers are at risk.

Fashion Fail: I love fashion! When I had that horrific job, I did not care what I wore to work. I would wear black all the time. Not like on trend black, but just the easiest thing to wear to get out the door. You should care about how you look in general and wear things that make you feel good about yourself. For example, if you were the type of person who prepped their work outfit the night before and now you throw whatever is clean on, that is a sign that you are giving up and or don’t feel appreciated at work. This is not a good sign. When I decided it was time for me to GTFO one of the first things I did was start to dress up for myself.  It was a way that I showed up for me and honestly I felt better about myself and more confident.  I guess you could say I was dressing for the job I wanted and not the one I had.

On Time When You Get There: Remember when you started your new job and you were always on time if not early. If you get to work when you feel like it you no longer care about the consequences like you did when you started. This is another visual cue that you don't care about the job, don't respect your supervisor or your team, or feel like you are not respected, valued, or appreciated.  A quick way to fix this is to go to the gym before work or get up earlier to stop by your favorite cafe for coffee or your favorite breakfast burrito. Do something that makes you feel good about getting up and going to work. When I was transitioning out from the awful job there was this cute donut shop that had donuts for dogs.  Some days of the week I would stop by and get my little guy one as it brought me joy.

Happiness is instrumental to work/life harmony. You spend more time at work than you do in your personal life. It is important you enjoy the work and the time that you spend there. If you don’t like being at work you need to come up with a plan to reconnect with your work happiness. If you are unable to then it is time to GTFO aka move on as these signs can lead to sadness, depression, anxiety, stress, and other health problems.

Here’s what you can do. Take mental health days!  It is perfectly fine to use your sick or vacation days for self-care.  You need to be your best and if a day or three away from the office helps, do it!   If you are bringing the disappointment of your 9-5 home, talk to someone about it.  It may be a friend, family member, or partner, but know that even with support it may be time to talk to a Therapist.  There are many ways to connect with a therapist that is right for you either in person, over the phone/text, or video chat.  I see my amazing therapist once a week!

Executive Coaches (like me, wink) are a great start too. They can help you with any changes or behavior modifications needed to improve your experience at work.  There are limitations as they are not therapists (I recommend therapy for leaders when needed) but a combination of a Therapist, Coach, and/or a friend or family member is a great start to finding your joy. YOU deserve to be happy.

Valentine’s Day for the Independent Woman

By Dr. Akilah Cadet

Hey boss, leader, dope ass independent woman!  I see you.  Look, we already know it’s hard dating when you do crazy things like pay your bills, own a car, have your own apartment, and/or run a business.  We know that for some men/women having a partner that takes care of themselves can be intimidating.  Trust me, I know.  I’ve been single most of my life.  I have dated several guys, but it ends up in them pretending to like my greatness in the beginning and not being able to support, love, and accept my greatness in the end. Thought I would share a few tips to support the path you are on if you desire partnership.

Actions and Words: This is my motto to everything in life, personal or professional.  I do not like wasting my time at all! Time is the easiest way to determine if actions and words match.  For example, if someone says they want to see you and yet somehow magically cannot find the time.  Actions and words do not match.  If your potential partner says they like to communicate a certain way and they don’t communicate that way to you.  Actions and words do not match. Or my favorite, I am only seeing you/sleeping with you, but I don’t want to be in a relationship.  That my friends is the ultimate waste of time.  What he/she is saying is that I really like you, but not enough to value you, your time, your goals of being in a relationship.

Be Clear.  Tell them what you are looking for. Yes, for reals!  Right now, I am looking to be in a healthy relationship, where we can high five each other, grow along the way with the potential of marriage and kids.  I do not waste my time if we are not dating.  I don’t want to be friends with benefits or the unknown relationship, so I am clear with what I want. If the man/woman is up for it, then you are building a clear foundation to build.  If they are wishy washy…keep it moving! You are a boss, and you do not have time for people to figure out their shit.  You are building and have things to do.  With that said, if you are not clear with what you want, then you are adding to above, actions and words not matching. This can cause confusion to your partner/potential partner and yourself. It’s time for you to work on self-love.

Self-Love.  Yes it is cheesy, but you need to love yourself FIRST.  I loved dating assholes.  You know the guys who would come by when they had time, not follow through, disrespect you, hope you wouldn’t find out that there was another woman…the fun stuff.  I had to go on a serious journey of self-love to change that.  I had to learn what I needed to thrive an be my  best self personally and professionally. Take yourself on dates and trips. Do what you love to do.  Celebrate yourself!  You are dope AF and need someone to match and/or exceed that for you. If you do not feel and embrace your greatness, you will just be with a potential partner who treats you the way you feel about yourself, which is less than if you have not mastered self-love.

Remember today is about love. Love starts with you. Go show the world how much you love you!